{"id":269,"date":"2006-05-15T05:48:16","date_gmt":"2006-05-15T12:48:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/?p=269"},"modified":"2006-05-15T05:48:16","modified_gmt":"2006-05-15T12:48:16","slug":"knotted","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/?p=269","title":{"rendered":"Knotted"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"knot.JPG\"<\/p>\n

The highs and lows this weekend knotted me and left me wondering how I should feel. I took the remaining two pregnancy tests, the ones left in the package. Compulsively, I had to confirm the positive test; I couldn’t wait until the doctor’s appointment, which is tomorrow morning. And I never suspected they would silently disappoint me! But after seeing two negative results, I steeped in doubt for a while before resurfacing to tell Damon what I found.<\/p>\n

The mind has a powerful way. It can wrap itself snug around the possibility of a new baby, no matter how impossible it originally seemed. As the hours pass, a vision becomes clearer and problems begin to resolve, and fear transforms to hope. Then, to release the notion is like asking to grieve. Could this all have been a fantastic head trip? I feel I can relate on some level to IVF patients, who never really know what to expect.<\/p>\n

Both of our children were planned.<\/a> It took an agreement, a basal thermometer, a chart, and a month to conceive each boy, and each time I felt in complete control of my body: I knew the day I was ovulating like I knew the day I was pregnant, and two tests for each child confirmed the latter, in each case. But now, I feel so vulnerable and human, clumsy and blind. And I’m sorry to burden you with this self-pity, but years later I might find this all amusing. I mean, relatively speaking, these are small beans. But they are feelings, nonetheless, and because I’m human I have them.<\/p>\n

So tomorrow morning, I go to the OBGYN. I’m anxious. Knotted. And I’ll be a little sad if we don’t find an embryo, but I’ll be okay. <\/p>\n

Tonight I have a fun project to occupy the rest of my time: a painting, commissioned for a very special occasion. And I’m absolutely thrilled. Still, I can’t give away any details (well, not yet!).<\/p>\n

To all you mothers reading this, I hope you had a relaxing but joyful Mother’s Day…and maybe a glass of wine or a mimosa, for me?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The highs and lows this weekend knotted me and left me wondering how I should feel. I took the remaining two pregnancy tests, the ones left in the package. Compulsively, I had to confirm the positive test; I couldn’t wait until the doctor’s appointment, which is tomorrow morning. And I never suspected they would silently […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-daily"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=269"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=269"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=269"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.stephs.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=269"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}