The Christmas buzz that had us sailing into hyper drive has slowed to a sobering halt, and the quietness in our house is chopped into pieces by the babble of children at play. Here I am, taking a picture of Chas, on the back porch, trying to open the back door. I stand here laughing from the dining room because he has smooching his nose up to the glass, making funny faces at me:

Unintentionally, I took a revealing self portrait today. It’s me, the me that I see, the reflection of my children. I see my creativity in the toys I make for them, I see my attitudes in the way I dress them, my discipline in the way I may sometimes remember, but not always, to cut and comb their hair and brush their teeth. I see my self-esteem in the way I keep my house (dirty windows and all).

Perhaps my perspective is just as distorted as the self portrait; in the act of mothering my mind is sometimes so absorbed in the middle of every minute that I lose point of reference, and my closest point of navigation is my limbic tunnel, that impulsive, instinctive maze of motherhood. My rational mind is often in left field. In content imbalance, I’m satisfied. When I put things into greater perspective, I feel so fortunate. Left to calmly breathe and think in quiet, as I am doing now beside that little boy you see above, now in deep slumber, I tend to call upon the more rational part of myself and remember that it’s all good, it’s all part of the process. Breathe in, breathe out.

Other self portraits can be seen here.

Ford doesn’t want to wear this adorable hat made in Noro Kureyon chunky, a pattern from Hello Yarn. It was so easy and quick to knit that I’m going to make more. The pom poms seemed excessive, especially for a boy. Maybe a braided tassle might be fun?

Instead, I am knitting. Clothing is a priority. It’s too hard to fit normal pants over cloth diapers, so I have to knit my own. The solution: Little Turtle Knits pants. Noro Kureyon. He seems to like them. These won me kudos from our local knitting shop, where we left only minutes before taking this picture. Not before buying another 3 skeins of yarn for: another pair of pants.

Now, back to procrastination.

Knitted Little Turtle Knits soaker, Araucania Natural wool, happy model. Knitting is therapeutic and addictive. Like running, once it becomes routine it’s hard to miss a day. Then, just as easily, it’s possible to quit without looking back. I dropped the needles in May of last year and I’ll probably do the same this year. I think it has seasonal appeal, to me.

Sorry, mom 🙂

Chas has been playing with words. He watches my mouth pronounce his favorite words, and he is eager to repeat adn repeat:Ball, mamamamamama, dee dee (which means “baby doll” to him), dog, hieeeee (hi), bye-eeeee (bye), bah-bah (basketball), and various barn animal sounds. His favorite monologue is the repetition of the word “hot.” He repeats, “Haaaa-Tuh, haaa-tuh, haa-tuh” for himself to hear. He enjoys the way it feels. It’s sweet to watch him circle about the house, signing and saying the same word in a happy, meandering trance. It’s a layer of music.

The other layers include the IndiePopRocks simulcast, set on low. I think Damon enjoys the living soundtrack. It’s mellowing.

And then there is Ford on electric guitar and Damon on Ford’s classical guitar. They sit beside one another, playing guitar-babble of their own. Of course, it sounds nothing like babble, but it’s the same little dance. They are feeling out for sounds they like. Ford has the advantage of not having to develop and fortify his ego right now; he is at a wonderful stage in his life where these things are already robust. So he sits there, exploring the sounds that he makes without the want to play like another, or sound like another. At this point, it is only sound. It’s like learning how to talk; he and Chas are very much on the same page, in that respect.