It’s my time, now. I waited upstairs this morning while the workers installed floorboards. I ran errands, and babysat the boys in a toyshop while Damon tested guitars for purchase. I have read a bedtime story, explained the concept of “gold medal” to Ford while watching speedskating, and tucked him in. I never took the walk I promised myself this evening, but we spent dinner together at a table, and everybody ate at the same time. No, I take it back, Ford talked all during dinner about his new wand. still, we all sat down together at dinner. Finally, it’s time for me to breathe. It’s my time.

Chas is in bed. Every half hour he wakes tonight, which is unusual. He is still wearing his romper from earlier in the day. Strawberry stains, rubbed in by fat fingers, are now dry. Those sweet stains mingle with smudges of vanilla yogurt and margherita pizza to saturate the air around him with the smell of fried churros. He smells like a carnival on a Saturday night. I want to eat him up, maybe dip him in a warm chocolate (for added magnesium and antioxidants, of course). His fine, caramel hair tickles my nose as I try to inhale him whole. His index finger is still bruised from the morning he closed it in the bathroom door, and I ache to look at it. My skin shifts across my back in a painful way at the sight of it. My eyes rove across him in admiration: how he has succeeded to go to bed without washing, less brushing his teeth. A dirty toe looks as if he might have stepped in wood glue, then dipped it into a dusty corner somewhere (surely from the floor installation); it looks as if it’s teeming with a colony of penicillium. It’s really funny, in a totally gross sort of way.

Damon, for his part, is in the boy’s room. He is wearing the 4000-watt technical headlamp I gave him for his birthday. He is lying in bed, under the covers, reading a book. Something science fiction, I am sure, but I didn’t peek when I stopped by to give him a kiss. I’m just happy that he is enjoying himself, donning the headlamp with the “find me” blinker, in case he gets lost among the piles of disorganized toys. Not that I won’t be able to find him by his snoring, which will commence in approximately five minutes. This feature works like clockwork; his ability to fall asleep within twenty minutes after cracking a book in bed is absolutely mechanical. I envy him.

In fact, all of this is making me quite sleepy. I want to sink into something horizontal, letting my mind peacefully unfold. The icy wind shoves the juniper against the gutters, and the day exhales upon me. I slow to a pause, then start typing again, in and out of sleep. But I am forcing myself to type, showing up at the page. I am showing up for the date with my self.

Yeah yeah yeah, this is ridiculous. I’m going to go snuggle into bed with McGuyver and his novel.

Ruta Maya organic coffee. If I’m not drinking water, I’m having a latte. Stainless moka pot. Whole milk. Not that I’m always able to sip and paint; I paint or draw in 15 minute spurts throughout the day, whether I have a cup in hand or not. It’s just nice when the two activities collide.

More studios, more potions.

Ford was his usual, curious self today, with the questions about Black Holes, wormholes and portals, wanting me to read A Brief History of Time to him so that we could dissect current knowledge together over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And then he sat still for a moment at lunch to ask the question,

“Mommy, does the sun love me?”

“Of course it does,” I replied cautiously, “Does the sun follow you around all day?”

“Yes.”

“And does the sun go to sleep with you at night?”

“Yes.”

I thought about this all day. How he takes apart our concept of the universe into fragments and puts the pieces back together (Big Bang theory, bits and pieces scattered, cooled, then formed planets; the sun is a dying star, etc) and reviews it out load (he did this with the digestive system to his pediatrician at his second annual checkup). I thought about the frequency of questions, these days, that I am unable to immediately answer. I thought about how uncomfortable I feel, anthropomorphizing the sun. I took a deep breath and started to paint. In a few minutes I felt much better.

As I pulled out of the parking lot tonight, I noticed the moon on the hill, squinting through the atmosphere in a sleepy haze. As I kept driving, damned if it didn’t surprise me in the way it followed me home. There was nothing usual about it. The sky was the color of the asphalt under my high-beams. Nobody else was on the road. The air, balmy and warm, smelled metallic and a light southeast breeze blew into the car at the stoplight. Winding my way home through the hills, the moon swung playfully left, and then right. It followed me out of my car and down the driveway and up to the stoop, before hiding behind the junipers. It tucked itself in, an hour ahead of the rain that followed. And then, Ford’s naive question made perfect sense.

“What the fuck is that?!”

“Oh, shit! Who did…wait, that’s just brown Play-Dough. Gross.”

Chas arrives at the scene:

“Poo-poo?” “Poo-poo?”

He stoops down, picks it up off the floor and puts it to his mouth, eyebrows tilted. “Poo-Poo?”

Our kitchen table. This is as pretty as it gets (in the traditional sense), somewhere in the sunny hour between art time and lunch, after I’ve sprayed and wiped the surface, moving the essentials to the center: flowers (thank you John and Amy!), the water pitcher, the empty vase (which will be filled with markers in the final phase of clean up, after they’ve been picked up off the floor) (thank you, Chas), the paintbrushes, and the small vase with forsythia blooms. Yes, it’s already that time.

Take a peek at some other people’s corners.

At the park, Ford helped himself to another child’s sand toys while I was spotting Chas on the gym. I watched him engineer his play and block out the rest of the world, as I often try to do when I’m, say, typing on my laptop. So serious! I stood there smiling at him.
The other child’s mother, when I glanced up at her face, was smiling down on him also. Then she bent down to hand Ford a shovel.

“What’s your name?”
“That’s not important.” he responded, like a calculator.

One of those neverending, nagging summer days alone at home with the boys. I have a negative default response to stress that, over time, has begun to improve. It takes work for me to think positively. It’s important to be positive for your children. They learn to cope by example. I’m unlearning, rewiring my brain.

See other real people here.

I return to the exhibit on impulse, after viewing the installation of Eva Hess’ drawings. I know the corridors by heart: the oak floors creak in the east wing, but enough to surprise me every time; I am always arrested in front of the Ernst frottages, three paces north and an immediate left lead to the painting of the pipe, Leger on the diagonal wall across the room. This time, there is something different (after all, things usually change after ten years). An alcove off the Surrealism exhibit with its own security guard outside.

It’s like walking into a jazzy vacuum chamber. A dark room, painted blue the color of Chas’ eyes, the sky on a full moon. It is a wonder-room filled with tribal masks, katchinas, headdresses and totems. In the center, a sculpture of a human being, with pins radiating from all surfaces. The opposite wall, above my head, hangs a charming sculpture of a man riding a whale, the two of them casting animated shadows on the wall. It is a collection, tribal and oceanic, curious and natural. Things collected by the Surreallists. I stand in this dark room, awestruck, wondering why this feels like home.

In a corner I notice Dominique De Menil’s provincial desk, filled with ephemera: keys, marbles, blue butterflies, feathers, coins, seashells, buttons. “For the children who visited her home.” It’s a Darwinian duplicate of my dad’s roll-top desk. I stand in front of the desk for a good five minutes, examining treasure. Wealthy couples circulate in camel coats and leather shoes, fresh out of the box. The men are distinguished and chiselled, the women have long, glossy hair and everyone smells of ambigously scented soaps. They speak softly of travels to Fiji, and smile at certain masks. They feel at home, too.

I exit the museum onto the wide open expanse of green lawn and sunshine. Down the block, behind a rambling old white oak tree, the boys run circles around Damon. As he waves at me from the void between branches, Chas stumbles onto the grass. Ford is laughing, calling me. I take the children into my charge and urge Damon to go see for himself. We are playing gallery tennis, allowing the kids to be kids while we struggle to be grownups.

They are often called primitive for want of a better name.

What could never have been written is there, all the dreams and anguishes of man. The hunger for food and sex and security, the terrors of night and death, the thirst for life and the hope for survival.”               
      

Dominique de Menil, 1962  

This week’s Studio Friday topic is a challenge (and I’m on vacation this weekend, so I’m not up for any added challenge besides the enormous challenge of travelling with kids). How do I illustrate my approach to fear, within the context of my studio, my work?

I posted one of these photos this Halloween, after Ford won first place in the neighborhood fair for the costume he is wearing, the one I made with him. After searching my workspace and my desktop for a clue to this week’s topic, I kept coming back to this series. This costume was the keystone of several months of Ford’s fear, and by including this triumph of his (over his fears of this imaginary creature) I am displaying my own attitude towards creative challenges: I like to face them head on, without fear of rejection.

I think design school (and I was talking to a friend about this today)(Hi MaryEllen!), despite the fact that I am still paying for it (and will be for a while) taught me to accept criticism. It taught me that jumping in headfirst, and giving all of myself to a project, would yield back every ounce I put forth. What I create may be a flop, but as long as I persist, it’s the process that matters (to me. Screw everyone else!). No effort is wasted.

That said, I am also a perfectionist, so for years now I have resented myself for certain flop projects in school (that really weren’t flops, but mediochre work). The other day, Damon walked into the kitchen, where I was having coffee, and plopped five of my school sketchbooks onto the dining room table. He was cleaning the garage. I sighed when I recognized them: each handmade, handsewn and bound, oversized and beginning to mold. It was funny that, while I knew most of the books contained great (naive, hopeful, expressive) stuff, I was drawn to one section of 1992 where I sabotoged myself brilliantly in a particular class on designing for the future. I remember slipping into a horrible funk after the required reading, Future Shock. I’d never been introduced to speculation. I didn’t grow up with science fiction; in fact, my family avoided it (I never even saw Star Wars until college). You can imagine the shock that I, this mega-naive college coed, felt after reading the book. In me, it planted little seeds of nihilism. I floundered in the class, got my first “C”, dropped off the dean’s list and got really bummed.

But I showed up at the page. I did the work. Sure, I was afraid of failing. I was also afraid of failing when I was in dental school, but I busted my ass and survived. Well, until I realized I didn’t want to become a dentist. When you try, when you do the work in earnest, and miss a little sleep or lose a few hairs, you grow stronger and get to know who you are. Some efforts are successes and some are failures, many may be in between. Over time, the successes eclipse everything else and begin to define you. The portfolio speaks for itself. I ramble when it’s late and I’m on a mini vacation. I’m going to the beauty parlor in the morning and I get to see my grandmother in the afternoon, so I feel giddy and chatty. Maybe a little preachy.

I feel like Chas, in the photos: bring it on, I say. I also identify with Ford, who is wearing the costume I made to resemble the creatures in The Village, whom he had been reckoning with for months, wondering whether they lived in our woods, too. He faced his fears in his own way. In fact, I don’t know who was more proud in this photo: Ford, for winning the costume contest, or me, for having a son so brave to confront his fears in a creative way.

See more Studio Friday.